- The Penguin Magazine
- Posts
- The Problem With Unconditional Love
Table of Contents
When it comes to discussions about love and loving others, we are often told that unconditional love (love with no conditions, no limits, and no requirements) is the highest form of affection and that conditional love is a shallow alternative to this form of endearment. But what if that's not true? What if unconditional love isn't just unrealistic or idealistic, but what if unconditional love itself is actually undesirable? After reading this article, you may think differently about whether or not loving someone unconditionally is a good thing at all.
Why Unconditional Love Isn’t As Good As We Think
When you really dig into what unconditional love actually means, it starts to look a lot less appealing than we think.
Let's take a look.
First, Definitions
Conditional love depends on certain qualities or traits in the beloved or actions taken by them. It’s love based on attributes (e.g. beauty, intelligence, kindness, or humor.) It could even be based on deeper traits, like moral character. But crucially, it's conditioned on something: the person having those traits/qualities or actions. If those qualities change or fade, then the love might too.
Unconditional love, by contrast, is supposed to persist no matter what. By definition, it’s love that has no conditions at all.
It's often described in two ways:
Truly unconditional love: not based on any condition at all.
Love based on essential properties: traits that can't be lost, like your numerical identity (the simple fact that you are you).
These are pretty much the only two ways to define unconditional love and neither one is as wonderful as people make it sound.
The Problem with Unconditional Love
When people ask their partner, “Why do you love me?”, conditional love offers clear, satisfying answers.
“Because you're kind.”
“Because you're funny.”
“Because you make me feel understood.”
“Because you’re a brilliant, fine Black king.”
Things to that effect. These are all good answers! They connect love to something about the person that seems genuinely lovable. We would want to be loved for these kinds of reasons.
But if love is truly unconditional, then when asked, “Why do you love me?” the answer is... silence.
If someone actually loves you unconditionally, then they can’t answer the question “Why do you love me?” Because by definition, the love isn’t based on anything you are. It’s not because you’re funny, or kind, or loyal. It would have to be the same no matter how you changed, even if you became cruel, selfish, or completely different. The love isn’t responsive to your character or who you are, and is completely baseless. It’s arbitrary love
Alternatively, if someone says they love you based on an essential property (like “because you’re human” or “because you are X’s child”), that answer feels... disappointing. Technically, those essential properties never change, and so your partner will always love you because you will never lose these properties, but nobody feels loved when their partner says, “I love you because you happen to be the same organism as me.”
Why This Matters
Think about it like this:
Everyone has characteristics or properties. These fall into two broad categories:
Non-essential traits: traits that can be lost—beauty, humor, virtue, intelligence, and charm.
These can change over time.Essential traits: traits that can’t be lost— numerical identity, biological relationships.
These never change.
The trouble is that all the traits that seem to actually warrant love are non-essential. They are precisely the kinds of things people can gain or lose.
Meanwhile, essential properties are permanent but they are hollow as reasons for love.
So if you insist that love must be unconditional, you're stuck between two bad options:
Love someone for no reason at all (making love arbitrary and indistinguishable from indifference), or
Love someone for reasons that are impersonal (like simply being the same organism over time).
Neither feels like the kind of love we actually want.
Why Conditional Love is Better
Conditional love (love based on the traits that make someone them) actually values the beloved.
It says, “I love you because of who you are.”
Because you're compassionate, brave, silly, curious, wise.
It’s a love that has reasons.
It’s not arbitrary. It’s not hollow. It recognizes the real qualities that make a person lovable.
Yes, conditional love means love could change or fade away.
That’s life. People can grow or fall.
But that vulnerability makes love meaningful. It shows that love is tied to the reality of who you are. It may not last forever, but it’s true love
Nothing in this world is eternal, but that’s just the way things are. Our mortality only makes it all the more worthwhile
We live to love and so we love to live